Coping with a long period of impotence can be very difficult, especially when the cause is unknown and the prospect of restoring potency is uncertain. (This situation is becoming less common as diagnoses and treatments improve.) Marjorie and Bert had been married almost 20 years. Before they were married, Bert explained to Marjorie that he had a persistent erection problem. For the first years of their relationship, Marjorie was able to accept the situation, but as the years went on, she found it increasingly difficult to adjust.
Bert’s condition was such that sometimes he could get an erection, only to lose it before he could attempt intercourse. Some therapists think that this situation may be more difficult for a woman to accept than when the man is simply unable to get any erection at all. This is because when there is an erection, the woman becomes hopeful. She thinks, “Maybe this time things will work,” and she allows herself to become aroused. If she feels intercourse is the only acceptable expression of her desire, she’s frustrated when her partner loses his erection. And, like Marjorie, despite efforts to “not take it personally,” she may do just that. Her anger may build and feed on itself.
The years without a good sexual relationship have hurt both Bert and Marjorie. Her pain shows in her face, in her voice and in the way she twists and kneads her hands as she speaks. “We’re fortunate with other aspects of our relationship,” she says. “But I do have anger, and it is a lot deeper than Bert realizes. The last few months we’ve been withdrawn because of me. Hugging or kissing is okay, but fondling or anything else, no. I enjoy lying in his arms, but I don’t want to start anything we can’t finish.”
Marjorie has been deprived of something most married women take for granted. The lack of successful treatment and her self-blame and frustration have taken their toll. And because, like many of us, Marjorie regarded intercourse as the only “real” sex, perhaps she suffered even more. Allowing herself to explore other ways of having sex would keep her from being locked into a life without any sexual contact. She doesn’t want to leave Bert and he doesn’t want to leave her. Right now they’re in a standoff, both in pain. As in most sexual battles, there are no winners.
*192\184\8*
