In adolescence, the peer group becomes a valuable source of information and emotional support. At this time, there is a noticable shift of influence from home to the peer group. Within that peer group, you work out your own value system but the really big foundation stones will have been set in childhood. Adolescence is a time for increasing independence and self-reliance as the emerging adult questions and modifies the attitudes and beliefs of parents, and of society in general.
Popular music for young people is a reflection of this struggle to make sense of the world they will inherit. By necessity it will be different from the musical tastes of their parents. They will see to that. By deliberately making ourselves distinct from our parents, we establish our own individuality.
Hard as it is at times, we would do well to welcome the rebellion of young people, for it is through them that social change will take place. Nothing improves by ignoring it, or by accepting the status quo. We may reach the conclusion that the way things are is the best compromise, but at least we have critically analyzed and challenged it. This is not something unique to the present; it has happened this way for centuries and the ‘generation gap’ is in fact a necessary phase. If parents see the questioning process as a personal criticism it will just widen the gap. As every strategist knows, a defensive posture leaves little room for negotiation. Young people given permission to develop their own values will have less need to rebel. Family therapists tell me that families run into the biggest difficulties when parenting styles fall into one of two extremes, stifling inflexibility or totally laissez-faire.
The greatest thing parents can do for their children is to really listen to them, but in a way that is not judgmental. Of course this is very difficult when deeply-held convictions are being questioned, but in the interest of maintaining an effective relationship it is vital.
This is particularly true in the case of alternative sexual orientation. Whenever this arises in a family it invariably triggers a crisis. Let’s look at the figures. There is a fairly standard population incidence of homosexuality in the Western world of around one in ten. Given that the average family has just over two children, then the numbers tell me that more than one in five families will grapple with the issue at some stage. One mother said that at first she was shocked and disappointed, even angry. ‘It had never occurred to me that my son would be gay. I had always imagined him marrying and having a few kids. It took me a while to adjust, and during that time I know I was pushing him away. One night I was sitting going through our old family albums, and I saw this photo of Brian on his first day at school. I started to cry, you know, I remember how scared he was gripping onto my hand as we walked together into the schoolyard. We had always been so close. Then it occurred to me that I was really letting him down. This was the most difficult time in his life and I wasn’t there for him.’ A gay counsellor said, ‘These are your sons and daughters, your brothers and sisters. They are the same person the day after they tell you they are gay as the day before. They need your support.’
In a heterosexist society, families are not prepared for dealing with non-heterosexual members. The messages young people get about homosexuality are invariably negative. It takes tremendous courage to ‘come out’, and there is a very real risk of rejection. Specialized counselling may be needed to help families come to terms with the issues this presents.
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