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Coping with a long period of impotence can be very difficult, especially when the cause is unknown and the prospect of restoring potency is uncertain. (This situation is becoming less common as diagnoses and treatments improve.) Marjorie and Bert had been married almost 20 years. Before they were married, Bert explained to Marjorie that he had a persistent erection problem. For the first years of their relationship, Marjorie was able to accept the situation, but as the years went on, she found it increasingly difficult to adjust.

Bert’s condition was such that sometimes he could get an erection, only to lose it before he could attempt intercourse. Some therapists think that this situation may be more difficult for a woman to accept than when the man is simply unable to get any erection at all. This is because when there is an erection, the woman becomes hopeful. She thinks, “Maybe this time things will work,” and she allows herself to become aroused. If she feels intercourse is the only acceptable expression of her desire, she’s frustrated when her partner loses his erection. And, like Marjorie, despite efforts to “not take it personally,” she may do just that. Her anger may build and feed on itself.

The years without a good sexual relationship have hurt both Bert and Marjorie. Her pain shows in her face, in her voice and in the way she twists and kneads her hands as she speaks. “We’re fortunate with other aspects of our relationship,” she says. “But I do have anger, and it is a lot deeper than Bert realizes. The last few months we’ve been withdrawn because of me. Hugging or kissing is okay, but fondling or anything else, no. I enjoy lying in his arms, but I don’t want to start anything we can’t finish.”

Marjorie has been deprived of something most married women take for granted. The lack of successful treatment and her self-blame and frustration have taken their toll. And because, like many of us, Marjorie regarded intercourse as the only “real” sex, perhaps she suffered even more. Allowing herself to explore other ways of having sex would keep her from being locked into a life without any sexual contact. She doesn’t want to leave Bert and he doesn’t want to leave her. Right now they’re in a standoff, both in pain. As in most sexual battles, there are no winners.

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If there is anything that a stressed-out person deeply appreciates, it’s a back massage. Strong hand movements up and down the back trigger nerve fibers and increase blood flow and circulation by dilating blood vessels. The result is a relaxation response that both of you will enjoy.

To start, have your partner lie on her stomach. Straddle her lower back comfortably. With your palms facing downward, make gentle circles around each shoulder blade. Then, using the knuckles of both hands, stroke her back from the neck down, about two inches away from either side of the spine. Explore the contours of her back with rotating fingers and deep kneading motions. Finish the massage with slow strokes. As one hand, with fingers spread wide, makes its way up the length of her back, the other should descend to the lower part.

As you progress, ask your partner how she feels. Find out if you are applying too much or too little pressure. Ascertain what feels good to her and what she doesn’t like. Tell her how touching her body and giving her pleasure affects you. Paying a person this kind of undivided attention can be a big turn-on.

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It’s very important for you to consider adding vitamin C supplements to your diet. The current RDA is 60 milligrams, and while it may be justified for disease prevention, it is far from optimal for a healthy life. This was proved in a study from the National Institutes of Health, which delved into the varying dosages to determine which was the most effective. The men taking part in the research were first fed a vitamin C-deficient diet. Then they were given it sequentially, in six specific dosages: 30, 60, 200, 400, 1,000, and 2,500 milligrams daily. The results showed that:

• On 30 milligrams the subjects were irritable and fatigued due to vitamin insufficiency.

• On 200 milligrams blood plasma levels were almost totally saturated with vitamin C.

• At 1,000 and 2,500 milligrams the blood plasma was completely

The NIH researchers now believe that an intake of up to 1,000 milligrams a day of vitamin C is safe (and doesn’t cause diarrhea), but that dosages above 400 milligrams have “no evident value.” But while food is the best source of this vitamin—citrus fruits are superior suppliers, and most other fruits and vegetables contain it—most Americans don’t eat enough every day to get the amount they need.

For optimal antioxidant power, I recommend a supplement of at least 200 milligrams of vitamin C daily. When taking this supplement, it’s best if you divide your dose in two, taking half in the morning and the other half in the evening. Since the body eliminates vitamin C in the urine in about twelve hours, taking both doses will ensure steady antioxidant protection throughout the day and night.

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Consider the comments from Leslie, a thirty-eight-year-old woman whose ten-year marriage was at a crossroads. “Will says he’s overjoyed that he can get the kind of erections he used to have. But we’ve been through too many tough times; we’ve fought a lot. He complained about the weight I gained, not realizing that it was in response to his not wanting to have sex with me. Of course, for a very long time I didn’t know—because he didn’t tell me—that he couldn’t have sex. I felt so rejected, food was my only consolation.

“Now he wants to have sex again. I have to ask myself: does he still care for me, or is it just that he hasn’t been able to have sex for a long time, wants to play catch-up, and is worried about straying from home and contracting AIDS? He’s so enraptured with his erections, I can’t honestly believe that they have much—if anything—to do with me. It makes me feel angry and used, and less attractive than ever.”

Leslie’s view is understandable, especially in the context of the way women judge themselves in our culture. Sadly, many women, beginning early in their lives, regulate their self-esteem through how they see their bodies, or think other people judge their physical attractiveness. We see evidence of this everywhere. Losing weight is a national obsession, supermodels are ideals for young girls, and prepubescent female athletes, many whose growth and menstrual cycles are stunted, are heroes for impressionable children.

Aging is, for many women, an enemy that must be fought at all costs. Looking and feeling the best they can while accepting their age is not their goal. Instead, beating the clock is, no matter how much self-esteem is sacrificed in the process. When self-value is solely reliant on the reactions of others to how one looks, problems are inevitable. Certainly ours isn’t the first culture to put such emphasis on looks. However, the advent of a new world of sexual medicine is bound to exert more pressure on the way women view their appeal, both physically and emotionally.

According to psychologist Dr. Robert Broad, at New York’s Mount Sinai Hospital, “In our society, how a woman attracts and arouses a man is a primary source of self-esteem. That initial appeal is often based on how a woman looks. This component of self-evaluation is a key factor to how a woman will respond to a man with erectile dysfunction—and how she will feel about herself.”

The more vulnerable a woman feels—regardless of her age—the more she will question herself, both as the source of a man’s ED and as the object of his attention.

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Diet

High-fat diets have received a lot of bad press lately, much of it well deserved. A high-fat diet helps clog up your arteries and can cause blockages, harming arteries that are essential for erection.

High-calorie diets can lead to overweight, as William is discovering. In a person susceptible to diabetes, overweight can make the illness appear. And diabetes can lead to potency problems.

To help keep your arteries clear, your heart healthy and your circulatory system fit, we advise you to eat a low-fat diet, and keep your body at a healthy weight. William is fond of heavy meals, but a menu of frequent he-man dinners—with the main ingredient a large, juicy, fat-marbled steak—can eventually lead to potency problems.

Exercise

Exercise is a wonderful stress-reducer, and William has just been adding to his tension by eliminating his noontime squash games. And exercise is certainly a help in keeping weight normal. The more calories you burn, the less likely you are to be fat. Fat can lead to health problems which can then result in erection problems.

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