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Oscar Wilde’s suicide attempt remains a poignant symbol of the thousands of young people who try to take their lives because they cannot cope with the confusion or fear about their sexuality, or the distress of being excluded from their peer group, victimized, harassed, or attacked. It is estimated that a third to a half of all teenage suicides are related to issues of sexual orientation. This is another urgent reason to educate young people about sexual orientation so that they have a better understanding of themselves and others.

It is just as important that the person ‘coming out’ is able to understand why their parent feels the way they do.

The best decision might be not talking to your family at all. After all, part of growing up is not feeling as though you have to tell your parents everything about yourself. It is not always easy for ‘straight’ friends to be accepting.

Sarah is now twenty-nine. She had been living with a man for several years when she met Susan. ‘It was like nothing I had ever felt before. I thought about her all day and then dreamt about her at night. I found myself physically and emotionally attracted to her like a magnet. I couldn’t believe it was happening because I had never been aware of any attraction to women at all, except as friends. After we became lovers I felt I had no choice but to commit myself to the relationship; it just felt so right. At first I only told a few close friends. They weren’t all as pleased for me as I would have liked. Actually, that’s an understatement.

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Consent is an important issue in sexual relationships that needs to be observed by both parties, whether it is a casual meeting, a first date, or a marriage. The point needs to be made as strongly as possible to both men and women that it is not okay to cross another person’s boundaries. If your partner says ‘enough’ or ‘stop now’, it means exactly that.

Debra recalls one early experience. ‘The first sexual experience I remember was at a school dance and the lights were down low. This boy put his hand up my dress. I didn’t have a clue what he was doing and before I knew it he had his hand inside my panties having a good grope around. The worst thing though was that I had my period at the time and it was in the days before I started using tampons. Very messy. Absolutely humiliating. I didn’t go out with him again. It would have been too embarrassing. It was ages before I would let a boy get anywhere near me.’

This is a very simple example of the impact that sexual contact without consent can have.

A recent study by the Australian Institute of Criminology found that acquaintances, dates and boyfriends accounted for thirty-nine percent of rape cases and husbands and ex-husbands accounted for thirteen percent … and they were only the ones that were convicted. There is no easy answer to the problem of ‘date rape’, and it is probably far more common than we realize. The effect on your attitude to future sexual relationships can be very similar to the effect of any sexual abuse — being afraid of intimacy, feeling dirty, not being able to trust a partner. Part of the answer lies in the best possible preparation of both men and women for their early sexual experiences. Asking each other what you want, working out exactly what types of sexual activity you both consent to and respecting the wishes of your partner are essential elements of any relationship.

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We traditionally call that first experience of intercourse losing your virginity’. That always strikes me as a terribly negative way of looking at it. Why do so many words about sexuality sound so negative? Why should it be seen as a ‘loss’ and not a ‘gain’? This concept of loss is so ingrained in our culture that our language simply doesn’t have a word that will describe what you might gain.

And what is a virgin anyway? The very definition of the word implies the male experience of penetration of a woman’s vagina by his penis. It seems a little strange that a woman might have experienced thousands of orgasms without penetration, yet is still technically considered to be a virgin.

Nor is ‘virginity’ a guarantee against pregnancy. If a man ejaculates near the opening of the vagina, whether the hymen is intact or not, the sperm can still make their way into the vagina and result in a pregnancy.

Some cultures define virginity by whether the hymen is intact or not. It is more than likely that the hymen will be perforated by vigorous exercise or inserting tampons long before a penis gets there anyway. Such is the social significance of this piece of skin that partly blocks off the entrance of the vagina that I heard reports of a clinic in Sydney doing a great business in surgically restoring the hymen so that it had the appearance of being intact on the wedding night.

The whole concept of ‘losing your virginity’ is really a pretty bizarre anachronism. Once upon a time it was a loss in more ways than one: a virgin bride was worth more dowry for the husband. That value had a lot to do with the concept of a woman’s sexuality being a possession that could be bought and sold. ‘Damaged goods’ didn’t attract the same price. My dictionary still describes virginity as ‘the condition of being unsullied’. Is that what intercourse is supposed to be? Being sullied? How romantic!

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In adolescence, the peer group becomes a valuable source of information and emotional support. At this time, there is a noticable shift of influence from home to the peer group. Within that peer group, you work out your own value system but the really big foundation stones will have been set in childhood. Adolescence is a time for increasing independence and self-reliance as the emerging adult questions and modifies the attitudes and beliefs of parents, and of society in general.

Popular music for young people is a reflection of this struggle to make sense of the world they will inherit. By necessity it will be different from the musical tastes of their parents. They will see to that. By deliberately making ourselves distinct from our parents, we establish our own individuality.

Hard as it is at times, we would do well to welcome the rebellion of young people, for it is through them that social change will take place. Nothing improves by ignoring it, or by accepting the status quo. We may reach the conclusion that the way things are is the best compromise, but at least we have critically analyzed and challenged it. This is not something unique to the present; it has happened this way for centuries and the ‘generation gap’ is in fact a necessary phase. If parents see the questioning process as a personal criticism it will just widen the gap. As every strategist knows, a defensive posture leaves little room for negotiation. Young people given permission to develop their own values will have less need to rebel. Family therapists tell me that families run into the biggest difficulties when parenting styles fall into one of two extremes, stifling inflexibility or totally laissez-faire.

The greatest thing parents can do for their children is to really listen to them, but in a way that is not judgmental. Of course this is very difficult when deeply-held convictions are being questioned, but in the interest of maintaining an effective relationship it is vital.

This is particularly true in the case of alternative sexual orientation. Whenever this arises in a family it invariably triggers a crisis. Let’s look at the figures. There is a fairly standard population incidence of homosexuality in the Western world of around one in ten. Given that the average family has just over two children, then the numbers tell me that more than one in five families will grapple with the issue at some stage. One mother said that at first she was shocked and disappointed, even angry. ‘It had never occurred to me that my son would be gay. I had always imagined him marrying and having a few kids. It took me a while to adjust, and during that time I know I was pushing him away. One night I was sitting going through our old family albums, and I saw this photo of Brian on his first day at school. I started to cry, you know, I remember how scared he was gripping onto my hand as we walked together into the schoolyard. We had always been so close. Then it occurred to me that I was really letting him down. This was the most difficult time in his life and I wasn’t there for him.’ A gay counsellor said, ‘These are your sons and daughters, your brothers and sisters. They are the same person the day after they tell you they are gay as the day before. They need your support.’

In a heterosexist society, families are not prepared for dealing with non-heterosexual members. The messages young people get about homosexuality are invariably negative. It takes tremendous courage to ‘come out’, and there is a very real risk of rejection. Specialized counselling may be needed to help families come to terms with the issues this presents.

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This can be easier said than done, particularly if you are not accustomed to talking directly about sex. Remember though, children’s questions are asked in all innocence and the answers do not need to be complicated to satisfy them. A simple, honest explanation will usually do for the moment, although they may well come back to the topic later.

If you’re feeling uncomfortable because you don’t know the answer, it helps to say just that. Parents (like doctors and schoolteachers) hate to say ‘I don’t know’. The words grate on us like long fingernails dragged slowly down a dusty chalkboard. The thing is, sometimes it’s the right answer for the occasion. I prefer to turn it into a positive learning experience for a child. ‘Well, I don’t know … (There now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?) … but we can find out from Mum/Dad/Grandpa/the family doctor/a book when we get home can’t we?’ This approach confirms that it is okay to want to know, and okay to ask, and it opens communication with other trusted adults.

Of course, a child will let you know when they’re bored with anything. Sharon, a colleague of mine, recalls being pregnant with her third baby when her five year old asked the big one: ‘How did it get there in the first place?’ Well, this was it! Sharon explained a few of the basics just to get warmed up and, settling into the comfy lounge chair, all set for the full mother-daughter session, she asked, ‘Now, what else would you like to know?’ … Pause … ‘Where did you buy your new shoes, Mum?’

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